Searching
by kunisland
Summary: Johanna runs away from Katniss in search of something to make herself a better person. She thinks she has finally found what she has been looking for, but will Katniss want her back in her life after all of the hurt and confusion she caused her? Rated M for future chapters.
1. Prologue

_Dear Katniss,  
How to start, huh, brainless? Should I reminisce about those memories we shared, those plans we made, how you make… made me feel? A storm rages inside and everywhere I ghosts and shadows embrace my soul. It's not a loving embrace though, no. It's more like the embrace of a constrictor snake gives you before you lungs pack up and all you can think of are the silhouettes of your past.  
Shall I talk about the green forests of your eyes, the pronounced ridges of your cheekbones? Or how about how it felt so right to be with you, how we made each other forget the pains, the tortures of our pasts?  
Every time we touched warmth flooded through my veins and soaked into my bones, you were my radiant sun. Even now I am imagining tracing light whispers of patterns across your skin, imagining your eyes fluttering closed and that sharp intake of breath…  
I need you here Katniss. I need you here to feel again, to paint a pretty picture with my mind, to make the colours come alive before me, to make everything stop changing.  
You should see how long my hair has grown now, brainless! It looks like a long, dark wave rippling down my back. It's nowhere near as pretty as your jet black hair though, so luscious, thick and shimmering…  
It must seem so unfair for me to write to you when I'm the one constantly moving, yet say I miss you. But, I just can't help it. I ache to be with you.  
I heard that you've been searching for me, and I just don't understand. I've been mulling it over in my mind for a while now, just why, Katniss? I left you. I know I shouldn't have, but I was so scared, so so scared to trust you truly and wholly. I knew I had to leave sooner or later, and I decided that sooner would lessen your pain somewhat. It sounds so pretentious when I say it like that but I just couldn't bear the thought of me being the source of your pain, your suffering.  
I'm so sorry Katniss; you have to know that, you just have to. I love you. I said it, wow. This must be what it feels like to have the armour guarding your soul stripped off you; mine has been secured firmly ever since the capitol took me away.  
I think I'm finally ready Katniss, after all of this time, I think I've finally found what I've been searching for desperately. It's you brainless, you. I've been trying to make myself worthy of you, to be a better person so that I can protect you, comfort you, inspire you, encourage you.  
I think I'm coming home Katniss. Home. It feels just so good to say that.  
I love you Katniss.  
Yours,  
Johanna._

Johanna set down the biro she had been scrawling her letter out with on the crumpled, smudged lined paper_.  
I hope brainless can read it, fuck._  
The muscles in her hand hurt from the strain of writing for so long, but it was a worthwhile pain. A hint of a smile played at her lips, reading the letter through several times until she set it down onto the worn desk. Rays of sunlight shone into the room and through the glass of water just next the letter, reflecting pretty shapes of light onto the pattern. Johanna lightly placed her fingertips on the patterns, tracing them into her memory.  
She looked around at all of the crumpled balls of paper tossed angrily around the room, failed attempts of getting her feelings down onto paper. Johanna scooped them all up in her arms and dropped them into the bin, casting a last glance around the room and deeming the area clean. She grabbed an envelope out of one of the desks drawers and wrote Katniss' address in her neatest handwriting so it would at least get there. She grabbed her keys and jacket, letter in hand, and headed out the door, locking it behind her. She almost ran to the letter box and shoved it in there, grinning for the first time in a while. She closed her eyes, long, dark eyelashes brushing against her cheeks as she thought of a silent prayer for the letter's safe journey to her love.


	2. Surprise

**Chapter 1 – Surprise!  
Katniss  
**The arrow had pierced the doe in her jugular, a clean kill. As the animal fell onto the soft pine needles, Katniss had already pulled her bow onto her back next to her quiver as she walked lightly towards her kill of the day. She knelt down next to the animal, both knees cracked as she let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief at the animal's quick yet painless passing. She gently placed her hands on either side of the arrow in the doe's neck and pulled quickly, blood spurting from the wound.  
She cleaned the arrow thoroughly on her blood spattered trousers and placed it back into her quiver.  
_Haymitch will be pleased, that disbelieving twat.  
_Before that moment, Katniss hadn't had a clean kill for about two months, after Jo-.  
_No. Don't think about that. _  
She slung the doe's carcass onto her back, careful to place her bow and quiver back into the hollow trunk of the tree she had carved out for that very purpose years ago. Katniss carefully and quietly made her way back to the fence so she could head towards her house to carve the carcass.  
She ducked under the hole in the fence and looked around at the empty centre of District 12, picking constantly at the skin around her fingernails. Katniss pulled the carcass higher up her back to stop it from slipping, and sighs at the thought of her dismal and lonely house. As she entered the Victor's Village, she glanced up at what used to be Peeta's house for a second and furrowed her brows, thoughts of regret and confusion shrugged away.  
She went around the back of her house via the side entrance and unlocked the back door quickly so she could drop her kill onto the kitchen table straight away. She walked through the hallway and was heading to the stairs when she heard the chink of a bottle on glass and her ears pricked at the sound, fingertips brushing the knife she had fastened at her hip. She headed into her lounge and saw Haymitch sat in one of her armchairs; long, greasy blonde hair covered his face.  
He had a glass of scotch clutched in one hand and oddly, a letter in the other. It had been opened and read several times by the crumpled look of it. The envelope had been tossed on the coffee table and Katniss picked it up and instantly recognised the handwriting, clutching at the arm of the sofa in disbelief, her head spinning as she saw black dots in front of her eyes.  
"No, no no no, it can't be-," Katniss said barely above a whisper, her voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.  
"I'm pretty sure it is, sweetheart. Here, you better read what Jo has said."  
Haymitch got up and handed her the letter as he made sure she was sat down. He sat down next to Katniss, sipping his drink as she brushed her hair from her face, cradling her head in her hands as she tried to make the flood of tears go away.  
Feeling the soft paper of the letter touching her forearm, she glanced down; dark eyelashes brushing against her cheeks as she prepared herself for the heartache the content of the letter would cause her. With shaking hands, Katniss brought the letter up closer to her face and blinked so her eyes would focus.

**Johanna  
**Johanna sipped at her second vodka and coke, smiling contently with her decision to leave the day after tomorrow for District 12. She was just about to order her third drink from the bartender when his eyes went wide as he surveyed who had just come into the bar. She muttered a few profanities under her breath and swung around to see what all the fuss was about.  
"Oh, fuck, it's you!" Johanna exclaimed as she looked Gale up and down.  
"Nice to see you too, Johanna." Gale said, his eyes narrowing.  
"Well, come on, can you blame me? We haven't heard from you since, you know…"  
"Since you and Katnip shacked up?"  
"Ugh no, Gale, you know it wasn't like that,"  
"Well you know I was always last when it came to Katniss, you and the bread boy stole the show, isn't that right, Lumber Woman?" Gale practically shouted in Johanna's face.  
She grabbed his forearm and led him out of the bar and down the street. She dragged him down the street to her flat, Gale whining like a child all the way. She let go of his arm, sure that he would follow her.  
Johanna let them both in and motioned for Gale to go in as she shut and locked the door behind them.  
"Seriously, Snares, _what_ is your fucking problem? You know I left Katniss a few months ago." Johanna spat venomously.  
"Well, my problem is that Katniss always seems to choose people that hurt her over the people that don't. Peeta cheated on her, Johanna! And then you left her. You must've known what that would do to her you fucking idiot!"  
"You know I didn't do it to hurt her like Peeta did, he never loved her after she admitted it was all for the games. I did it because I knew I wasn't worthy of her, you of all people must understand that. Don't call me that Gale I'm _not_ an idiot. It wasn't the most gentle of ways to leave her, I admit. But if it was any later, Katniss would have said I love you to me, and she would've been crushed because I wasn't ready to say it back yet and we were moving too fast."  
Gale sighed and looked at the floor and sank down onto her sofa, rubbing his palms over his eyes. Johanna frowned, her brows furrowing as she sat opposite him. She thought about the letter she had sent off to Katniss and she decided to tell Gale about it all.  
When she had finished Gale didn't look surprised, he looked a little amused to Johanna, a smirk appearing at the corner of his mouth.  
"Wow Johanna, I thought you said you weren't an idiot, I knew this 'soul searching' quest was pointless. Although I hate to admit it, you two complement each other in the best ways because of your pasts and it doesn't help me that you look damn good together. If you had just said to Katniss 'I'm not ready, I need more time' she would've understood Johanna. I never could fathom why you just left so abruptly after Katniss' past."  
Johanna sighed and had to agree with Gale after having that same thought cycle through her mind every day since she had left Katniss. She looked up at him through her eyelashes and smiled slightly.  
"I know Gale, I know. I guess I just needed a reason to be on my own for a while."  
He leaned forward in his seat and asked quietly, "Do you think she'll take you back?"  
Johanna sighed heavily and leant back into the chair, closing her eyes as she rested her head against the wall. She shrugged and said, "I don't know, but all I know is that I love her, Gale."  
Gale took her hand in his, a friendly gesture that she suspiciously opened one eye to. He nodded and smiled and she understood the look in his eyes instantly.  
"You _want_ her to take me back, don't you?"  
He withdrew his hand from hers and rested it on his knee. "Like I said before Johanna, you two are so right for each other that I don't know why I never supported you before. I guess it was the whole naked in the elevator thing, I thought it was a bit too obvious, kind of like a brick though a window." He chuckled and she smiled and laughed a little too.  
"Ever since Katniss wore that fucking gorgeous blue dress on the victor's tour I've wanted to shag her senseless, can you blame me? I couldn't believe that I had held on for that long before getting naked with her!" Johanna smiled and winked.  
Gale laughed and drew his hand across his face to keep him from cringing. They talked for several hours after that, discussing memories and also Johanna's plan to get to District 12 and what she was planning on saying to Katniss. He then finally caved on what he was doing here and he said he was planning on visiting Katniss as well after such a long time and not really contacting her at all. He explained that wanted to make up with her so that he could at least apologise for his behaviour. Johanna teased him and suggested that they were two of a kind and that they should go together they could keep each other company.  
Gale helped Johanna out a lot to her surprise and she let him stay the night, throwing him some blankets to keep warm for the night.  
Johanna fell asleep that night to thoughts of seeing the girl she had ached to see for so long and the adventures and love they could share together.


End file.
